Friday, January 25, 2013

Ancient Aliens: Secrets of the Tombs

Wait a second...I'm halfway through this week's episode of Ancient Aliens (On H2) and I'm already confused.

Let me just go ahead and get this out of the way. 


So this one is called "Secrets of the Tombs" and, from what I gather, it's basically saying that all these tombs from the ancient world are star gates to reunite with the aliens after death. But their body's don't go anywhere...their souls do? Or what? I'm not sure.

And this totally breaks my theory of one thing can only be one thing rule...so a pyramid can't be a tomb, power plant, and star gate all in one. Their just trying to combine a few features like pyramids were the smart phones of the ancients. Or the Swiss Army knives of the Egyptian aliens or whatever.

Now listen: as far as I can tell...the Ancient Alien Theorists are saying these people had to die to join the gods (which are aliens) once again. How well has that line of thinking worked out in the recent past?

Not very. 


They start talking about the Pyramid Texts and how they're instructions to travel to another world or something.



And how these bulls were created by aliens.

And then this guy in Peru named the Lord of Sipan and some artifacts he was buried with and how they represent aliens.

So this crab guy here really represents an alien...because that's what aliens are. They're crab people or lobster men. We're not quite sure. Or they're dog headed people. Or whatever other crazy thing some ancient artist came up with and buried with their king.

But hold on...this isn't really evidence. It's just stuff. It's things that happened and now there's stuff to prove it. But this ancient aliens thing is starting to sound like something else altogether. The theory explains the origins of men: we were put here by aliens or created by aliens or our evolution was aided by aliens. And now the theory has its own afterlife. So after you die, you'll be reunited with the aliens. Good. You're immortal! And you don't have to believe in God, sin, redemption or anything like that...it's science! Right?

I guess I should continue watching even though I know how these shows are structured...there's never any real explanation of why these theorists think what they do...just a statement of what they think...a question...then an unrelated statement. For example (seriously...this is how terribly this show is put together):

These Egyptian tombs were star gates.

But could the answer lie in Peru?

This king was half alien.

But are these tombs more than tombs?

I've started watching again and I'm going to do an experiment. So they're talking about a culture that uses coffins built to look like boats because these people think their ancestors descended from the Heavens in boat like spaceships. This is that culture's creation myth and beliefs about the after life. Ok. Now the narrator  says a hilarious sentence in or out of context,  "Could the presence of boat coffins mean that our ancestors were preparing to make a journey to the stars?"

He then immediately says that some believe the proof is in a mysterious burial ground in Ireland. Wait? What? The he says there are some star maps in there (nothing to do with boat coffins) that mean not only where the aliens in the past came from, but where these dead people hoped to return (after dying).

After talking a bit about some inscriptions on the walls of the tomb (aliens!), the narrator then asks if the truth could be at some burial grounds in Japan. For those keeping track it's: Egypt, Peru, Cambodia, Ireland, Japan.

They're talking about a burial ground that's in the shape of a keyhole and then imply that it was built that way to help the aliens navigate. And this isn't the first time this has been implied about some ancient structure.

So what you're telling me, ancient alien guy, is that these aliens with their vastly superior technology needed us to build them some crude landmarks so they could find their way around? We can't make it past the Moon and these star travelers didn't have some kind of GPS? I mean, they landed here. I'm not sure how that makes sense. Who gives a shit! To China!

Something about mercury and a badass tomb.

To South Korea! A painting in a tomb of a horse with fire legs has something to do with aliens.

Now lots of talk about flying horses. My Little Pony.

Back to Ireland! More tombs.  It's aligned with the winter solstice. Because the aliens didn't have watches.

Things just get completely insane here.

You got one guy talking about these spiral drawings and how they represent galaxies because some galaxies are spirals and another guy talking about how these same drawings represent wormholes. The same guy is saying that the tombs were round because so are flying saucers, but they also look like boat coffins and fire horses.

They then talk about how this company, Celestis, launches dead people's ashes in to space. Which is awesome! And also what I want.

But what does this have to do with aliens? Ask a homeless guy on the street. His answers will probably be just as enlightening.

I think H2 is playing a huge prank. This can't possibly make sense to anybody who is watching it? Right? I mean, even if I was an ancient aliens guy, I'd be pissed. Unless it's all just made up. In order to get people to think it's so bizarre that aliens can't possibly exist. And maybe that's what the aliens want. Ooooooooooo

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