Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Why Can’t We Not Watch Finding Bigfoot?


It’s so stupid. These guys and gal wondering about out in the forest whooping and hollering trying to listen for some mythical ape creature.
I'm so tired of the media portraying a false idea of beauty....oh, God! No I'm not! I'm not!

Ok, if you’re not a nerd, “Finding Bigfoot” is a reality show on Animal Planet in which a group of people travels around the U.S. researching Bigfoot sightings and going hunting for the very, very elusive creature. Spoiler alert: they don’t find one in any episode…yet. The group of four from the BFRO, or Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization, head out into the woods with night vision cameras to hunt for the beast. Their techniques are pretty simple: they knock on wood and they make Bigfoot calls. If you want to know why, you can check out the BFRO website or watch the show because I’m not going to explain every damn detail to you. Ask the guy that keeps talking about going “squatchin”.

He's standing right behind me isn't he?


The overwhelming problem with all the expedition type shows dealing with crypto-zoological or a paranormal phenomenon is: if a true discovery were made, it would be on the mainstream news far before the show ever aired. Maybe.   

There's my silver haired Bigfoot

Here’s what you’ve got to understand: these shows are filmed months in advance. You should know this. And if you’re just now figuring this out, next time you see a celebrity chef dogging the old lady who owns your local diner, run down there and try to give him a piece of your mind. He won’t be there.

Do your restaurant better, you old hag!

True, there are a few reality shows that have live elements, but Finding Bigfoot is not one of them.

So imagine Bobo (again, watch the show) is out in the woods and he finds an actual, honest to god Bigfoot and gathers irrefutable evidence of its existence. This guy and no other guy is going to be able to just keep it a secret until the show airs four months down the road. And that show isn’t going to air on some expanded basic cable channel. If you have the video of a guy finding a Bigfoot, put it in theaters and charge $15 a head to see it.

You find a North American great ape, and scholars, researchers, politicians, journalist and everyone in between is going to want a piece of that action the moment you post it to twitter. A Bigfoot discovery would basically be the biggest story of the year. And it’ll happen as fast as the cat is out of the bag. Hell, you’ll get a news alert on your phone. I guarantee it.

So all this to say that you should know better when you sit down to watch that no matter how suspenseful the producers and editors make the show, they aren’t going to have actual video of an actual Bigfoot. The best you’re going to get is an unidentified howl or growl.

But, and this is the big but, we eat this stuff up. Gobble gobble gobble. And don’t give me this, “Well I don’t watch that crap.” If it’s on TV for more than one season or even a couple of shows, enough of US are watching it to make it profitable. In the end, we’re the ones to blame.
And it’s not just Bigfoot. It’s UFO’s, ghosts, and various other monsters. Show after show is produced with this same format. Find the monster, but if we really did find it, everybody would have known about it already. And we know people (we) are watching.

So what’s the fascination?

Who cares?! It’s entertainment. And that’s what we’ve forget about when we go to jawing about how there’s no way there’s a bigfoot or there’s no way there’s not a bigfoot. This is made for you to watch it and enjoy watching it by some people who are better than you think at figuring out exactly what you’ll be entertained by. You can like it for whatever reasons you want. Maybe you believe and you want to be validated. Or you like to make fun of it. Or maybe you’re on the fence and hearing more stories about it will help you decide.

You can go on bitching about how reality is staged or faked, boring, ridiculous, or anything you like, but the bottom line is this stuff, from Finding Bigfoot to the Jersey Shore people yelling at people type stuff, exists for the sole purpose of entertaining you.

So, people who watch Animal Planet, what do you want? Take away the monster hunting shows and other reality type and what do you get? Documentaries about snakes f@#$ing*. And I’ll admit there’s some scary video of that out there, but I’m bored of it. So are you.
Ok, you MTV lovers. Take away all that crap and what do you get? Music videos. Now you understand the horror of a world without reality shows. They make paying $200 a month to your cable provider worth it. Unplug your cable and see what you get off air. CBS, ABC, NBC, FOX programming. And AETN. There reside the B-Movies of television programming.

I'm either the fat tech chick or the guy from Three Amigos


If your solution is that you’ll kick back and enjoy a good book*, go eat some lettuce while you explain to me why you’re on the Internet reading about Bigfoot.


*Fucking
*A whole generation has rushed out to buy e-readers to prove they’re the bookish, intellectual type. Ask them where their Kindle charger is. They don’t know.  I do. It’s in the drawer underneath the remote batteries.